I have a love-hate relationship with online lists. Every now and then a promising (and from a SEO perspective carefully crafted) title pops up in my blog- or newsfeed: 10 Ways to Boost Your Creativity Over Summer, 9 Books That Will Inspire You to Do Great Things, The 10 Best Independent Coffee Shops in Southern Wales, 7 Genius Hancks for Booking Cheap Last Minute Wedding Dates (wait, that was actually a movie. The article I read was about booking airplane tickets, I think.), 12 Awkward Things that Happen When You Have Sex with a New Partner (only 12?), 6 Things Scandal Tought Us About #LeaningIn in the Workplace and Feminism, 25+ Ways to Fool Eligible Bachelors into Thinking That You Can Actually Cook, and so on.
To be fair, some of them are useful. Others are simply bland or, worse, cliché-ridden. Then there are the ones that are simply infuriating, for instance, 5 Ways to Pick Up Girls at the Gym – erm, don’t.
It is my great pleasure and honor to present you with the list to top them. A list just for laughs.
(Or your compass to navigating the shallow waters of this industrious app.)
And without further ado I would like to introduce the 10 profiles that you are very likely (99,9%) to come across on Tinder.
1. The group photo. When this is the first photo, I cross my fingers, wish that you are the most handsome in the group and scroll to see the rest of the photos. But the first group photo is followed by another group photo that contains, more or less, the same people. Same happens with the third photo. You look very extroverted and social, whoever you might be, but I am swiping left. Note that there are two variants of this category: a) The twins photo. No kidding at all, I’ve seen it at least thrice, always extremely good-looking people (all good things come in twos?) but since I cannot figure out who is who, I’m out. b) The photo of you and your best friend. And your best friend looks so good that I’d like to message you and ask whether he is availaible and on Tinder, too.
2. The abs photo. I could drool all over my phone sceen (which I won’t do since I’m not an abs girl, to put it this way) but if I cannot see your face, it’s not going anywhere.
3. The animal-lover photo. I’ve lost count of all the times that I had to refrain from swiping right only because that dog/cat/kangaroo/meercat/dolphin/lemur was So. Damn. Cute.
4. The ‘here’s a baby but don’t worry, she’s my niece’ photo. Same as with the animals. You probably found out that women are into toddlers and preschoolers by watching the episode of Friends where Chandler and Joey babysit Ben so as to attract women’s attention. Your niece is cute but it won’t work. Moreover, I am very wary of posting photos of very young children or babies on social media, let alone a dating app. Act responsibly.
5. The witty bio. In an app where everything is about looks, you decided to make a difference by summing up everything that’s interesting or weird (in a good way) about you in a couple lines. Mr., you got my attention; I’m going to use it to chat you up.
6. The mysterious photo. I get it, I get it, we all have the super artistic photo where we pose in front of the sunset so that you can barely see anything else but the outline of our body against the pink-purple-orange-blue sky. Look at you, a true romantic. However, just like the abs guy, I’ll have to say next.
7. The photo where you are wasted or holding a beer. Really, that’s your idea of a good first impression?
8. The ‘are you sure that you finished elementary school?’ bio. Show me a blatant grammar or syntax mistake, and I’m already ten swipes ahead.
9. The ‘if…, then swipe left’ bio. Are you really reducing me to my movie knowledge, music preferences or inclination to ask what you do for a living?
10. The one with the photo that has a girl in it. If I can picture any kind of romantic connection between the two of you by examining your body language and the photo’s composition, it’s an immediate swipe left. (Really, if you have a girlfriend why are you even on Tinder?) If it’s your mom, she shouldn’t be anywhere near Tinder (I guess my overprotectiveness applies to parents as well as babies). If it’s loads of your girl-friends, you look either like a ladies’ man, which is bad, or like someone who’s desperately trying to look like a ladies’ man, which is actually even worse.
Scrolling, swiping, writing (as always),